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LINEUP LIFE
SINGLES & Doubles...
by
Jerusha!, author of The Last Single Girl in the World
(Sourcebooks, Inc., November 2005)
Black On Black Betrayal (05/04/05)
 Whispered promises. Stolen kisses. An afternoon rendezvous. The ingredients of a steamy romance novel. Possibly but for many Bay Area African Americans it’s the secret chapter in their committed relationships. It seems that 40% of you admitted to stepping out on your mate in our recent Bay Area African American Lifestyle Survey. The casual comments I overhear at a popular club suggest that everybody knows this is business as usual. “Yeah, you never see homeboy wrapped around his wife.” “Ok, I’m married but my wife’s out of town, so I’m free tonight.” As I scan the room noticing the couples snuggled up together it’s hard not to wonder if the parties are wearing matching bands of gold.
Infidelity has become an accepted diversion on the happily-ever-after road of life. Once discovered, your relationship’s survival depends how smoothly you handle the twists and turns of the truth. One upper educated black woman related this story: “I had a young smart woman in her second year of business school say to me about loving a straying husband ‘well, I guess that’s the best you can hope for...discretion.’ You know he's going to screw around on you, so you just hope he does it discreetly so you don't have to have it in your face.”
Is this the best we can do when it comes to having a committed relationship – lie, cheat and steal time away from our significant others? It seems “acting single” is the new marriage as more and more of you add a little hidden spice to your married lives. And the lack of trust is infinitely more dangerous for black relationships than it is for mainstream Americans. “The divorce rate among African-Americans is 69%,” reveals clinical psychologist Dr. Brenda Wade. This is significantly higher than the oft-quoted 50% figure for the general population. “Black relationships start out with a history of learned mistrust and abandonment in addition to the daily stress of racism,” she adds referring to the emotional repercussions of our slave past.
 As well-known experts and armchair psychologists ponder why 32 year-old Jennifer Wilbanks experienced a severe case of pre-wedding jitters, disappearing days before her wedding and leaving a bewildered groom, 14 bridesmaids and 600 invited guests behind. Many of us already know the answer: marriage is not for sissies. Our recent survey found that 40% of husbands and wives, girlfriends, boyfriends and co-habitating partners wouldn’t choose to love the one they’re with today. With the uncoupling of Black America, it’s not surprising that black mates are losing their faith in the ‘happily ever after’ marriage myth.”
And black women are no longer content to exist in hindsight hell, as a third of you surveyed confessed to running into the arms of someone other than your significant other. Our educational accomplishments, significant earning power, and strong support networks have decreased the stigma and financial consequences attached to losing a partner. As nationally syndicated advice columnist Harriette Cole explains, “Financial stability leads to more risk-taking.” The other 22% of you are fantasy fence-sitters who admitted you’d sneak around if you’d never get caught.
“That’s giant!” exclaims Ms. Cole. “It says that the reason many people are choosing not to be involved in extramarital activity is because of the emotional repercussions. Even with the rising number of AIDS cases, people are not thinking that their health can be compromised by sexual relationships.”
The health repercussions of infidelity often lead not only to you betraying your black spouse but also your own black self through episodic unprotected sex. In spite of having the incomes and education that should make a difference in your actions, 52% of Bay Area African Americans admitted to having committed potential acts of self-destruction by having unprotected casual sex. As the level of positive HIV and AIDS cases rises among those in our community, Perry Lang, Executive Director of the Black Coalition on Aids cautions, “It may push our moral and political buttons but recreational sex is no different from other forms of play. We put on professional gear when we engage in recreation like playing football. When we’re engaged in recreational sex we must wear a condom.”
 Love is an imperfect state of being. Flawed by half-truths and the little black and white lies we tell that keep our game on track and our hearts from breaking. Maybe as grownups we have to stop believing that marriage is forever and admit that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all share the same bed. Infidelity is a learned behavior. As teens we devoured the love triangles on the television soap operas, followed Archie, Betty and Veronica in the comics, and slo’ jammed to Billy Paul’s illicit lovemaking ballad, “Me & Mrs. Jones.” Our preachers command till death do us part allegiance while society gives us permission and many opportunities to stray.
We’re a generation with ambivalent feelings towards commitment, never really believing that anything lasts forever. Only through open and honest communication with those we choose to be intimate with and our own self, can we break the chains of deception and build an honestly loving life.
Steal This Idea: Sexual Healing
As a member of the human race in the 21st century you are taking part in the “sexual evolution.” Sex today has fewer boundaries and almost non-existent borders in its expression. Interracial sex, same sex, solo sex practices abound in bedrooms throughout America. You’ve come a long way, baby- now exactly where are you going?
Check out this rare evening devoted to Black Adult Sex Education.
Black Sex & Green Tea ~A relaxed conversation about black sexuality~
Friday, May 20, 2005 at 7 p.m.
2800 Third Street
San Francisco, CA 94107-3502
(enter on 24th Street)
Tel: 415.615.9945
The Black Coalition on Aids hosts an evening to discuss the politics, myths and realities of Black Sexuality and affirm “sexual healing” Black Sex & Green Tea is a community forum, which explores the evolution of human sexuality within the context of black culture. Join a dialogue with Sexologist, Author and Professor, Gail E. Wyatt, Ph.D. one of the leading authorities on black sexuality and a sex therapist, researcher and professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA).
Recommended Reading:
What Mamma Couldn’t Tell Us About Love by Dr. Brenda Wade and Brenda Richardson
Related Article:
Liar, Liar. Lying on the Down Low by Jerusha!
SURVEY RESULTS | SURVEY PRESS RELEASE
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