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LINEUP LIFE
SINGLES & Doubles...
by
Jerusha (08/18/04)
Liar,
Liar. Lying On The Down Low
He
could be one. See that buff brother over there he's one.
Surely that Denzel Washingtonesque specimen giving you the
eye isn't one. What about that honey-colored Romeo leaving
you sugary voice mails, of curse not. Think again.
A
new kind of undocumented alien to our black race threatens
to tear our relationships apart: men having sex with other
men. I remember years ago when a friend passed along to
me a copy of an E. Lynn Harris novel, "Invisible Life ",
the story of a young man who is torn between his married
male lover and his girlfriend. I couldn't get into it and
abandoned it to the dusty corner bookshelf in my office.
Now I wish I'd been a little more curious about this never
neverland bordering my own sexual landscape.
They
must be some kind of foreign being, since most black men
generally deny any knowledge of them despite the front page
stories in the New York Times, USA Today and the requisite
Oprah interview. The expanded news coverage brings with
it a newfound curiosity and interest in the black sexual
experience. Something which irks a lot of black men. At
a recent Lineup event I talked to several of our brothers
one on one and on the condition of anonymity about the topic
du jour.
"I
think that it has been sensationalized. I do not believe
that there are that many black men who purport themselves
to be heterosexual who engage in homosexual relationships
on the down low. I think that it is a titillating subject.
And I think that it is another slap at black men," challenged
an outspoken divorced 50- something.
 New
York Times best-selling author, J.L. King often meets with
this kind of response. Thanks to his book, "On the Down
Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men who
Sleep with Men," the word is out if not the men. He receives
death threats and often requires venues to provide security
for his speaking engagements. In a recent interview with
Salon.com he recounted an instance in which a black male
accosted him saying, " Yo, why are you doing this to us?
My wife is asking me if I'm doing that DL bullshit!'"
As
well she might. A lot of women are finding out the hard
way that marriage is no protection against AIDS and same
sex infidelity. Witness the recent resignation of New Jersey
Governor James McGreevey, married father of two, who admitted
to a homosexual extramarital affair. Proving as one married
40ish black male said to me, "they say they'd rather have
a relationship with a woman and sex with a man. That's some
foul shit."
Yes,
it is. The lies about sex are leading to death at an alarming
rate among black women. According to the Centers for Disease
Control, the AIDS rate among Black women is 3 times higher
than Latina women and 18 times higher than white women.
One out of 160 Black women carries the virus, compared to
one in 3,000 white women, and 75 percent of Black women
who have the disease got it from heterosexual sex.
One
of the men I spoke with a self-described serial monogamist
has had two people close to him die of AIDS in the early
90's. He always uses protection but attributes that less
to the fear of AIDS and more to avoiding an unwanted pregnancy
and the accompanying wrath of his mother. He got the lowdown
on the down when his gay cousin dated a woman for a year
without her knowledge of his sexual preference.
It's
hard enough tackling the dating scene without you and your
girlfriends wondering out loud if your newest love interest
is gay or bi. In the old days, you wondered if he was a "playa." Now it's more important to checkout what's
his flava of the week. One gay brother related to me
the story of a friend having sex with the groom the night
before his wedding. "They never did it before and it was
great for both of them. Does that make the groom gay?" he
asked.
The
gay and straight men I spoke to came to varying conclusions.
Their definitions of gay and bi ran the gamut from necessary
emotional attachment vs. gay lifestyle interest or just
plain transactional sex. When is a blow job more than a
blow job?
It's
this ambivalence, which most experts and nonexperts agree
is driving the interest and downright denial of this deathly
sexual practice. " Until the black community deals with
the issue of homosexuality, the issue of men on the down
low will always exist. People are afraid of being gay because
of the rejection in the community and they use these women
as a decoy," suggests a close gay friend of mine. He's seconded
by another gay black male who adds, "There is a place but
it's not a good place. It's not a place they want to be
associated with. It's not cool."
Filmmaker
Spike Lee addressed the phenomenon as well in an interview
for his upcoming film " She Hate Me." "I blame the black
community, because we are very homophobic and the stigma
is so great. These guys will swear on a stack of Bibles
that they are not gay."
Maybe
they're defending themselves from the latest attack on the
last myth the black man has left: his sexual prowess. In
a recent story in Essence magazine on the subject, gay and
bi-sexual men lamented the lack of a place in black male/female
relationships for them to express the fullness of their
needs for an emotional connection and the burden of society's "men don't cry" expectations.
Maybe
this crisis has a silver lining. There's a chance that in
repairing this breach of trust in our relationships at large,
we will create a safe place within committed partnerships
for truth and acceptance. We will build mature adult relationships
in which each person is valued and loved. While we're pleasing
and pleasuring maybe we'll become more comfortable with
what really matters - our bodies, our minds and ourselves.
In
the meantime, what you don't know can hurt you. So why not.
. .
1.
Celebrate Condommania! Practice safe sex
and have more fun. That's right, visit any one of the three
Good Vibrations stores in the Bay Area and get their condom
guide. Grab a salesperson and get the tour of their protection
selection. There's more here than you ever knew existed!
www.GoodVibes.com ,
1-800-289-8423
2.
Give him something to talk about. Open
the door on the conversation of same sex partners in a non-confrontational
way. You do want to know don't you? So discuss fantasies
with your partner. Discuss prior sexual activities. Before
you are intimate, practice the lost art of intimacy. Get
to know him and who he is.
3.
Play Private Eye. Suspect your man isn't
on the up and up, read Bay Area author Danine Manette's
book, "Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Deceptions." The slim volume, only 126 pages, details the best methods
for investigating errant behavior.
Next
up, women reveal their concerns and feelings about black
men on the down low...
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